Not Good
I know in the last entry, I said that I was the optimist waiting for the corner to turn. Unfortunately, the light at the corner ended up being a train waiting to run me over. The last 2 weeks that they speak of when things get worse must be an average. Some have a week and a half, others have 3 weeks. It doesn’t help, when your mind is saying… this part is supposed to be over…
Just as I started feeling marginally better at the end of last week, I caught some kind of bug… fever, weakness and diarrhea. That last one, at this point in my cancer-career (is that a thing ?) scared me more than the others. I can’t afford to lose any more weight. I started the week at 146.7, again down from 162, my normal weight.
When I thought I was turning the corner on Sunday, Stacey went home to spend time with her kids and get ready for the work week. To be clear, when I say I feel like I’m turning the corner… its not a big move. I’m still on a liquids-only diet… Boost 530 calorie drinks and yogurt. Its more the overall feeling in my body and that my mouth isn’t as on-fire as much as it was the day before. Baby steps… small corners…
Stacey called on Monday after work to see how I was doing. I was curled up on the couch, getting up occasionally to do teams meetings with work throughout the day. I was alternately, sweating then freezing. Every time I would get up, I got dizzy and would have to wait for it to pass before taking a step. I’m weak enough that I’m not sure if I fall right now, if I can get up or prevent myself from falling in the first place. She asked if I wanted her to come back. I told her, yes, honestly, right now I’m scared. For the first time since I heard the C word diagnosis, I’m scared again. She said, I’ll be there in about 35 minutes. Just having her here helped.
The next 2 days, I was in and out of the chills and sweats, partially working then back to the couch. I knew I had to keep getting calories in, but that was hard. Pepto Bismal helped slow down the “loss of calories” from the other end. You’re welcome. Honestly if you’ve been reading these for this long, its your fault.
The fever broke after 2 ½ days and I woke up covered in sweat. Happy to be past that part, but worried where I was going to end up with weight loss. Down to 144.2. Another 2 ½ pounds. Much more and I will have to go to the hospital for a feeding tube. The doctor said 10%, but he was a little loose with it, so I will be as well.
Another 2 days of just trying to move without wearing myself out… Walking to the kitchen to feed the dog had me out of breath. Any kind of what used to be minimal exertion had stars showing up in my eyes, the black-out cone showing up. Then stop and wait for it to come back before I continue. No one told me about this part.
The pain in my mouth is starting to ease. Its still there and it likes to flare up at night or any time I try to eat something or when I’m talking in a meeting, but otherwise its manageable. I still have to take all of the drugs. I can feel that the sores in my mouth are healing. What was a line of sores from the tip of my tongue back to the base of my tongue along the right side in the back is down to 2 red bumps. The bumps are still very angry though.
Now, I feel like I’ve finally turned the corner… I still don’t have much energy, and still on the un-satisfying diet, but for the first time in 2 and ½ weeks, I left the house. The sun felt good on my face.
I know I still have quite a bit to go to get back to where I was, but I am hopeful again.
THE NEW NORMAL 